"If you don't challenge yourself, you will never realize what you can become."
Everything I have posted so far has only been about the incredible, positive, and fun experiences in Costa Rica. That's typically how social media rolls. I want to share that my time here so far has of course, had its low points. Being in paradise has its challenges that's for sure.
The overwhelming feelings started with my rapid introduction to the school and classes that I would be teaching. Without any observation period, I jumped right into teaching my fourth day in the country. Luckily, the other student teachers here from the states who had been here for weeks prior to my arrival helped me though it and gave me much needed advice on how to handle all of these changes.
After coming back from the beloved turtle station where I have felt the happiest I have felt in a really long time, coming down from that high with some other not so great news was adding to my culture shock and lack of Spanish skills. After talking with a friend to reassure myself that the Spanish speaking family I am staying with doesn't think I'm incompetent or not understanding, I got rejected from a few job offers I had been hoping for since January. It didn't help that I had also turned down an actual offer due to the location (it wasn't a safe place to live). I was just letting too many little things get in my head: "What if I am a bad guest?" "What if I am coming across as rude for not talking a lot?" "What if the other Americans here think I'm annoying?" "What if no one likes my lesson plans?" (Notice they all start with that stupid "What if" phrase that haunts us all at some point). And then it was time for dinner.
Soup. Cow soup. Cow stomach soup to be more precise. And for someone who doesn't eat meat this was terrifying. Even for my friends here who ate meat, the smell alone was unbearable for any of us to try. My host mom piled the pieces into her mouth exclaiming "¡Que rico!" meaning "How delicious!" Knowing the usual negative reaction from people about the soup, she already had chicken already in the microwave ready to heat up if we didn't eat the soup. Praise Vishnu that I had snacks stored away in my room....hopefully not entertaining the cockroaches or lizards that usually would appear in my room.
With the pressure of a new country, new environment, new culture, new school, new classroom, new language, new house, and even living with a new family, having a support system was extremely important. Going to a new country, you don't necessarily leave all your troubles behind if they are problems you have internally. With my patterns of depression and anxiety it won't just go away because I'm in a new country. Sure, a new situation/environment might help it, but only after a while. I'm sure I'd have these feeling even if I was teaching in a job a few hours away from Scottdale. Being able to talk to the same people I'd talk to in the states helped to make all the difference.
But the good thing about realizing this, is that I now know how to better control it when outside of my comfort zone and help it when I am away from family and friends. Technology has been amazing to help me communicate with Tara, one of my best friends and roommate in college of almost four years, who helped me separate each thing into its own problem so it doesn't all grow into one huge disaster of a week when it's only a bunch of little things happening. Looking back and reading my messages to her it definitely didn't seem like that big of a deal now and it's funny to laugh about that HORRIFIC, DISGUSTING soup that made me feel so overwhelmed. I let too many things build up, that this small thing seemed terrifying and in my way. It's time for me (and maybe you!) to start looking at each "problem" as an opportunity. For example, my lack of alone time and independence within my host house. I don't have much time to myself where literally no one else is around. For those of you who know me at all, know that this is a huge necessity for me to have in order to recharge and wind down from socialization. But by looking at this like an opportunity, it gives me chances to learn and practice my Spanish (even if it is terrible) and build relationships with the other student teachers and Ticos here that I wouldn't have gotten living in a house by myself. If I take my lack of current job employment after graduation as an opportunity, that can open up new doors for me until I find something (TO MAYBE VOLUNTEER AT THE TURTLE STATION WHO KNOWS). If I take this god forsaken soup (that honestly who would even think about eating that. I wanna know who the first person was who thought it was a good idea to eat something like that) and turn it into a funny story for me to write about, so be it. A new opportunity.
I also realize that every new place to work and live will have its own challenges: whether that be Costa Rica, Pittsburgh, Sweden, Scottdale, India, State College, or Chile. And even though you can't always expect or plan for these challenges, it doesn't mean you shouldn't experience it and try it. You're going to have challenges wherever you go and with whatever you do, so you might as well have them while you're doing something you really want to do and see it as an opportunity to grow and learn.
I told myself before I left that this experience would solidify whether I wanted to actually live and teach in a school in another country. Even though I still have 3 more weeks in the school and 1 week of travel (I am only half way done now!), I know this is something I want to pursue. I have already learned so much about myself as a person and teacher, how I think, how I act, foods I like (and more importantly foods I don't like....tripe?! seriously!? never again), and so much more I'm sure I haven't even thought of yet.
Luckily, I am in a profession with kids who don't pass judgment, love you regardless of how your hair looks that morning, hug you even if you have a giant coffee stain on your shirt, and talk to you even if you have NO CLUE what they are saying and speak a different language. Kids are (for the most part) the same everywhere. There are a lot more similarities than differences. No matter where I go after Costa Rica, and no matter what challenges I will face, I know I'll be happy when I am teaching children.